You Go To My Head
by jasmine105
Summary: Flip-side to "Wee Small Hours."  Horatio's love interest, Lauren Chambers, recalls her time with Horatio... and wonders if her love affair with Horatio is at an end.
1. Chapter 1

**YOU GO TO MY HEAD**

_You go to my head and you linger like a haunting refrain_  
><em>And I find you spinning 'round in my brain<em>  
><em>Like the bubbles in a glass of champagne<em>  
><em>You go to my head like a sip of sparkling Burgundy brew<em>  
><em>And I find the very mention of you<em>  
><em>Like the kicker in a julep or two<em>

_The thrill of the thought that you might give a thought to my plea_  
><em>Cast a spell over me<em>  
><em>Still I say to myself get a hold of yourself<em>  
><em>Can't you see that it never can be<em>

_You go to my head with a smile that makes my temperature rise_  
><em>Like a summer with a thousand Julys<em>  
><em>You intoxicate my soul with your eyes<em>  
><em>Though I'm certain that this heart of mine<em>  
><em>Hasn't a ghost of a chance in this crazy romance<em>  
><em>You go to my head<em>  
><em>You go to my head<em>

_Frank Sinatra Song_

**Chapter One**

Lauren Chambers nursed a snifter of brandy as she stood at the window of her condo in downtown Miami, listening to the muted sound of Sinatra playing in the background. It was 10:00 on a Friday night, and the lovely Lauren was all alone, feeling sad and... if she dared admit it... rather sorry for herself. Not normally given to self-pity, she tried giving herself a mental "shake" as she took a sip of the brandy and looked out at the stars. It was certainly a beautiful evening! The dark night was lit up with an array of brilliant, twinkling stars. Lauren could never take for granted the gorgeous skies of Miami. The first thing that grabbed her attention when she moved from Baltimore to Miami was the crystal clarity of the skies. The skies over Baltimore were never quite so blue during the day - or the nights so velvety black and filled with the diamond-like glitter of starlight.

Yes, a beautiful night. Lauren smiled sadly to herself as she gazed at the glass of brandy in her hand. Brandy, stars and Sinatra. A winning combination but one that hurtfully made her think of Horatio. Listening to Sinatra sing about the girl who went to his head, she thought, _Oh, Lieutenant Caine, how quickly you went to my head! And my heart. And you don't even seem to care_.

The tears that lately were never far from the surface were again threatening to make an appearance. Resolutely, Lauren wiped a bit of moisture from the corner of her eyes. This has to stop, she told herself. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over - and expecting a different outcome. Rehashing in her mind the situation with Horatio and crying in her beer - or brandy, for that matter - was not going to provide a different resolution. Horatio had made it heart-breakingly clear that his feelings for her did not involve love. Friendship, laughter, romantic evenings, passion - but not quite love. When it got to the point of defining their relationship, Horatio sadly admitted to her it fell short of that particular emotion. His heart, he had said to Lauren that last morning they were together, was still with his late wife.

Shaking her head and taking another taste of the brandy, she experienced an unfamiliar sense of desolation. _I can fight any woman for Horatio Caine's love, but I can't fight a ghost,_ she thought.

Lauren's thoughts were then diverted by the buzzing of her cell phone. Sudden, irrational hope flared in Lauren's heart: _Horatio?_ Excitedly she reached for her phone and looked at the number; hope died as quickly as it had erupted. Lauren recognized the number and it wasn't Horatio's.

"Hi Pop," she said, her voice losing it's usual warm, happy lilt.

Jimmy Chambers noticed his daughter's subdued tone immediately and it saddened him. Using his childhood nickname for her, Jimmy replied, "Hi Myrtle McGurdle Magilicutty! How is my darlin' girl doin' this evenin'?"

Lauren smiled with affection as she listened to her dad's harsh guttural voice, dropping his "G's" as usual. It was a voice that she loved because it made her feel that anything was possible, that she was cherished and that nothing was ever too bad to be borne. Lauren loved her dad and admired him. Like her grandpa, "Big Billy" Chambers, her dad was a man who believed in "the art of the possible." Much of who Lauren was came from these two gruff but lovable men, and just hearing her dad's voice cheered Lauren.

"Pop, your 'darlin' girl' is not doing all that well this evening. I am feeling a bit blue."

Jimmy thought as much from the timbre of her voice, although Lauren had been trying for a tone of lightness. Concerned, her father softened his own voice. "Laurie, love, why are you feelin' blue? Has that rascal you're workin' for been causin' you any trouble?"

Lauren grinned at her pop labeling her employer, Mayor Jack O'Reilly, a rascal. Both her dad and grandpa were, like Lauren, political animals and under no illusions about O'Reilly. But, being practitioners of "the art of the possible," both understood that O'Reilly did get things done, even if his motives for doing so were less than altruistic.

"Nope, no trouble from 'the rascal' so far. Hey, do you think even Jack O'Reilly wants to take on Big Billy and Jimmy Chambers?"

"Not if he has a brain in that handsome head of his," agreed Jimmy. "If not problems with O'Reilly, what's causin' my girl to be blue?"

Lauren hesitated; she was afraid that the sudden painful lump that had taken residence in her throat would give way to tears - and if there was one thing Lauren didn't want to do, it was cry like a ten year old when talking with her dad.

"Laurie, love?" he repeated, gently.

The dam broke, and Lauren began to pour out her woes, gulping through her tears, "Oh Pop! I am so unhappy! I... I met this wonderful man... and... we had been seeing each other for some time! I thought he was the one, Pop! I thought he was the one.

"But... he... he doesn't feel that way about me. He means so much to me, Pop. I just don't know how to get past this."

Jimmy swallowed uncomfortably, wishing he'd not pressed Laurie so hard. _Heart trouble! It is her mother she should be talkin' to about affairs of the heart - not her old dad_, he thought. Lauren was Jimmy's favorite of his three children, the one most like him in terms of interest and temperament. Still, he didn't want to wade into Lauren's romantic situation - that was her mother's territory, not his.

Sensing a bit of this from her father's uneasy silence, and knowing of his discomfort when it came to such matters, Lauren got herself under control. "I am guessing, Pop, that you're wishing your 'darlin' daughter' had spoken with Mom about this, heh?"

Feeling a bit ashamed of himself for his inadequacy in handling such matters with his daughter, he said sadly, "You know I love you, Laurie, and I'm willin' to listen if you want to talk, love."

Lauren smiled to herself, knowing just how much this offer cost her emotionally reticent father. She knew her father loved her, but he wasn't very good with what he called "women's emotions" - unless they were happy emotions. As a man gifted with three daughters, he'd never been comfortable with the moodiness of girls, with or without good cause.

"Pop, I know Mom is at her book club meeting tonight. I'll give her a call tomorrow and we'll talk. Okay?"

Knowing he was wrong to do so, Jimmy gratefully grasped at the offer. They spoke a few moments longer about Lauren's job and other matters. When he felt that Lauren seemed more herself again, Jimmy let her go with the admonition not to forget to call her mother.

Lauren felt lonelier than ever when she finished the call. She would be glad to speak with her mother the next day. If anyone would understand and help her lick her wounds, it would be her sweet, smart mother.

Yes, she could tell her mother all about Horatio. How it had all begun, and how it had ended. Lauren felt a strong and sudden need to talk with someone about Horatio.

How did something that started so well end so badly?

_To be continued._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

And indeed it had started well, recalled Lauren. She remembered the moment she first noticed the striking lieutenant, standing near the bar, drinking what suspiciously appeared to be a club soda and making conversation with the President of the Miami Youth Athletics Council and several community organizers. His tall, thin frame and red hair made him stand out, but more than that it was the laconic ease that, from a distance, appeared to pervade his conversation. She watched him closely, noticing his companions' constant flow of conversation and how it brought forth only short, apparently polite replies from him. Lauren had smiled to herself, thinking he had the look of a captive bird, desiring only to flee its cage. It was clear that the gentleman was not at the affair because he wanted to be.

It was her first week working with Jack O'Reilly, and the Mayor, who had come to stand beside her, noticed that her attention was fixed on the red-head. "So, Lauren... trying to figure out the enemy and what makes him tick?" said O'Reilly, lightly.

Startled, Lauren looked at the Mayor. "The 'enemy'? I don't understand."

"Oh, you will. As time goes by. That's Horatio Caine - one of the biggest pains in the ass in all of Miami," O'Reilly said, with irritation in his voice. "He is a lieutenant with the Miami Dade Police Department, and I believe that HE believes Miami is his personal fiefdom. His nose is into everything, and he has a knack for making enemies in high places."

"Why? Is he crooked?"

O'Reilly barked out a harsh laugh. "Crooked? Caine? No, he's not crooked, my dear. He's THE original boy scout." The Mayor smiled sarcastically, "And THAT is exactly what makes him a pain in the ass."

Lauren didn't think that was such a damning quality, and stared with interest at the handsome lieutenant, who chose that moment to look her way. He caught her eye, looked startled for a moment, but didn't turn away. In fact, he held her gaze for several moments, and then slowly disengaged himself from his companions and made his way toward Lauren and the Mayor.

The Mayor had directed a few ironic remarks at Lieutenant Caine, and then introduced him to Lauren. Lauren decided the lieutenant improved even more so upon close inspection, and found herself warming to the amused glint in his vivid blue eyes. As the Mayor left their company to speak to others, Lauren decided she very much liked the way Lieutenant Caine tilted his head to the side, and sheepishly smiled while looking at her with a certain boyish shyness as she teased him about trying to escape what appeared to be an onerous duty foisted upon him. Yes, he did display a certain sweet shyness, but Lauren strongly suspected that once one got to know him better, the handsome lieutenant wasn't at all shy.

And Lauren made a decision to get to know him better... much better.

Remembering their first meeting put a bittersweet smile on Lauren's face, and she reached once more for her brandy as Sinatra softly sang another lover's lament in the background.

Horatio had seemed to have an answering interest in Lauren that night and that interest soon blossomed into dates made for lunches at beach-side cafes, dinners at charming little out-of-the-way restaurants, and late night meetings at Horatio's favorite elegant bar, Gatsby's. Lauren especially loved the meetings at Gatsby's, where she and Horatio would sit across from one another in an elegant leather booth, in a secluded part of the bar, and over brandies they would share bits and pieces of their lives under the warm, golden glow of the polished brass lights.

Lauren always suspected that Horatio learned more about her during those late night conversations than she did about him. Horatio had a way of diverting the conversation away from himself if she started to get too close to some essential part of him that he seemed reluctant or unwilling to share.

Often, Lauren would come away from these conversations a bit baffled at how she had shared so much of herself when her objective had been to learn more about Horatio. When she thought about this, it brought to mind her sixteenth birthday and the large, beautifully wrapped gift box her grandpa had presented to her.

With great excitement, Lauren began to untie the gay ribbons that bound the sizable box, but found to her puzzlement yet another box inside, even more elaborately wrapped. Again Lauren went through the process of unwrapping the box only to find, again, another beribboned box inside! This went on through several increasingly smaller boxes until at last the exasperated Lauren came to a tiny, exquisitely dressed ruby colored velvet box. She opened it to discover the tiny gift box contained her grandmother's silver antique fleur-de-lis pin. Lauren, close to tears, had looked at her grandfather in loving surprise upon seeing the precious heirloom. Big Billy, a loud and gruff man, but one of soft heart, smiled tenderly at his well loved granddaughter and said, "Your grandmother always meant for you to have this, Laurie, love, when you were old enough to appreciate it and take care of it. I think you're now ready to do that."

Lauren had flown into the old man's arms and kissed him several times on the cheek, for she had deeply loved her grandmother. "There, now, Myrtle, old girl, enough with the waterworks - you're ruining my favorite shirt," said the embarrassed but secretly pleased old man. "And let this be a lesson to you, Miss Magilicutty! Sometimes in life you have to keep looking for the good stuff and not lose heart. There is often something pretty wonderful to be found if you persevere."

Lauren often thought to herself that her relationship with Horatio was much like her long ago experience with the gift boxes. Every time she thought she'd managed to open up "one box" that might show her who the reticent lieutenant really was, she was presented with another. She sometimes wondered if she'd ever get to the essential box that would give her the "jewel" inside. When Horatio would start to open up to her, only to close off another part of himself, Lauren took heart, remembering her grandfather's lesson and words. She truly believed that Horatio was worth the effort and she longed for the day that she would get to the essence of who he was.

But now, Lauren thought sadly, it didn't seem that she was ever going to get to that little box of who Horatio truly was.

_To be continued._


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

For a time, it had seemed that Horatio was as transfixed by Lauren as she was by him. A tender smile played about Lauren's lips as she recalled the first night they shared together. In truth, she was the instigator of that first evening, having worked up her nerve to wring from Horatio the admission that they were more than casual friends. When he admitted it to both himself and Lauren, he then sweetly and playfully suggested she come to his home.

And what an evening it had been! Horatio was a tender and ardent lover, sweetly seeing to her pleasure as well as his own. Hearing him roughly call out her name as his passion came to fruition was both exhilarating and moving to Lauren. And when they both had come down from the passion they had shared, Lauren found herself warmly embraced and tenderly murmured to as they moved toward sleep. She loved feeling his lean body next to hers, and listening to the sound of his light breathing as he slept. With him, she felt safe and happy... and loved.

They began to share their weekends together. She loved seeing Horatio in his home, loved watching him make her breakfast, loved looking at him in the morning when his beautiful eyes were still a bit drowsy as he reached for her to kiss her good morning. She relished the side of Horatio that she had not known existed until they spent time together intimately. Lauren quickly discovered the playful side of the always correct and somewhat stern Lieutenant Caine, and delighted in provoking it as she had that afternoon when she called her lieutenant into the bathroom where she was showering and innocently requested a towel. She got the towel - and a hastily stripped down lieutenant who was anxious to assist her in drying off.

She loved the evening brandies on his back deck, under the stars, listening to the soft voices of Sinatra, Billy Holiday and the incomparable Ella, as they held hands and talked about her family in Baltimore and, only slightly, his family and time in New York. She had gleaned enough information from the little he said to understand that his memories of his past in New York were painful and disturbing to him, and as she felt the tension within him begin to surface, she would allow him to smooth the conversation along different avenues.

Lauren didn't mind because she understood, as her grandfather had taught, that you had to patiently persevere when a goal was worthwhile. The more time she spent with Horatio, she began to understand what a kind but complicated man she loved, and her goal was to get him to open up to her and let her in so that he could love her as much as she loved him. And love him she did!

For Lauren had quickly discovered that she had lost her heart to Horatio, and with the frankness that was part of her forthright nature, she acknowledged it to herself. Often she longed to tell Horatio how much she loved him, but she always sensed a reticence in him that restrained her from doing so. For while Horatio was tender and passionate toward her, while he could be playful with her, and while he was genuinely interested in Lauren and her goals and her past, he never permitted her to feel she could cross a... certain boundary or line... that would allow her to speak what was in her heart.

As the weeks went by and Lauren grew more attached to him, she was finding it increasingly difficult to restrain her feelings. She loved Horatio... and she desired nothing more than that he love her in return.

Remembering all of this, Lauren shook her head, finished off the brandy and walked into her kitchen to rinse out the snifter. As she did so, she listened sorrowfully to Sinatra singing the last song on the cd, allowing the words to envelop her:

_**My heart is sad and lonely.**_

_**For you I sigh, just for you only.**_

_**Why haven't you seen it?**_

_**I'm all for you, body and soul.**_

_**I spend my days in longing**_

_**And wondering why it's me that your wronging.**_

_**I tell you that I mean it!**_

_**I'm all for you, body and soul.**_

_**I can't believe it…**_

_**It's hard to conceive it**_

_**That you'd turn away romance.**_

_**Are you pretending?**_

_**Because it looks like the ending**_

_**Unless I could have one more chance**_

_**To prove… dear…**_

_**My life a wreck you're making.**_

_**You know I'm yours, just for the taking.**_

_**I'd gladly surrender**_

_**Myself to you, body and soul.**_

Yes, thought Lauren, "body and soul... ."

The sad thing for me is that you have me, body and soul, but I only had your body, she thought despondently. Your heart and soul, Horatio, was never available to me. It belongs to another. To Marisol.

_To be continued._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Lauren walked into her bedroom, changed into her favorite soft, comfortable pajamas, and then went into the bathroom to begin washing off her make-up. Scrubbed clean, her pretty complexion glowing, Lauren stared at the face in the mirror. What did Horatio see when he looked at her? Did he see her, really, or was his heart seeing his late wife?

Now THAT really is a self-pitying thought, she told herself with disgust, and turned away from the mirror. She walked back into the bedroom and sat on the edge of her bed, looking at the cell phone she'd placed on the night-stand. "Ring, damn you! RING!" she said angrily. But the phone remained silent. Disconsolate, Lauren switched the phone's ring tone over to "vibrate" and placed it back on the nightstand. "No point in torturing myself, listening for the phone to ring when there is little chance that it will happen."

Lauren flicked off the light and lay down, resolutely closing her eyes and willing herself to sleep. Still, five minutes after making the decision to think no further on the sad state of her romance with Horatio, her thoughts sadly and familiarly drifted back to the last time she'd been with him. Beneath her closed eyes, she remembered every contour of his much loved body and the softness of the light hair on the back of his neck. She recalled the resonant, deep voice that evoked such warm tides of feeling in her when he said her name, either during the height passion or in it's afterglow.

Their last night together had been filled with such tenderness that she had no longer been able to remain silent about what was in her heart. Surely, she thought at the time, he must love me - no one could treat a woman with such tender concern and not be in love with her! And so, Lauren finally gave voice to what had so often been held captive in her heart, and she said, "I love you, Horatio!"

Immediately, she felt the tension in him and sensed his emotional withdrawal from her. After what seemed minutes but was in fact several awkward seconds, Horatio leaned over and kissed her forehead, and then turned on his side... as if she were not there... and fell asleep. There was no quick escape into sleep that night for Lauren, who'd bitterly regretted exposing her heart. Her body laying inches from Horatio's back, she felt the silent tears pool in the corners of her eyes. After a period of time, Lauren drifted into an exhausted slumber, and when she woke the next morning, Horatio had already risen.

Dully, she began gathering her clothes, and went into the bathroom to shower and dress - and wash the redness from her tear-swollen eyes. Sometime later she emerged from the bedroom and found Horatio in the kitchen, making coffee. She could see the awkwardness in him even though he tried for lightness. It hurt Lauren to see him attempting to ignore the events of the previous evening, and, giving in to her feelings, she flew into Horatio's arms, allowing him to see how distressed she was. That sure brought him around, Lauren recalled, because he began to apologize to her. The apology hurt her even more because it had the flavor of finality about it.

He attempted to explain his feelings to her, but they made no sense to the stricken Lauren. She couldn't understand why Horatio felt responsible for his late wife's death, why he continued to blame himself. In the end, it didn't matter whether she understood or not because Horatio couldn't let go. His heart, he told her with finality, belonged still to his late wife.

Lauren lingered for a few seconds, hoping Horatio would turn to her, tell her he needed her to stay, to love him, to try and work through this, but he did none of those things. Nor would he look at her. He kept his back to her, shutting her out. Finally, Lauen quietly opened the living room door, stepped through it, and just as quietly closed the door behind her.

And then began the interminable waiting and unrealistic hoping that Horatio would have a change of heart, that he would miss her presence, that he would realize he did love her... at least a little. There were dark moments when Lauren thought she would sacrifice her own need to be genuinely loved and take whatever Horatio was willing to offer her just to be with him again, just to have him hold her again, just to hear him say her name once more in a moment of passion...

But, in the end, Lauren would not settle for less than Horatio's heart. As much as she loved him and as much as their parting was making her miserable, she knew her own value and she wouldn't allow her heart to settle for less and then live with the regret of it.

She was the daughter of Jimmy Chambers and the granddaughter of Big Billy and if these two strong men taught her anything they taught her these truths: she was a good and loving person who deserved to be loved and respected - and there was NOTHING too bad to be borne.

If Horatio couldn't love her, she would learn to live with that. NO, she thought resolutely, I'll do more than learn to live with it; I will find the man who is capable of loving me as much as I do him. After all, there is nothing too bad to be borne.

Thinking of her loving family and their support and the person she'd been raised to be, Lauren's pain lessened a bit and she began to relax in the bed.

I love you, Horatio Caine, and I can make you so happy if you would just give me the opportunity! But if you won't, I am going to be just fine. A little sadder, a bit wiser, but I will be fine. And I will love again.

Lauren heard a persistent rumbling noise on her wooden nightstand. She rubbed her still half-asleep eyes and wondered what time it was. The room was in shadows so it was not too far from dawn. As she was wondering what woke her, she heard the noise again - it was her cell phone, the plastic cover shimmying against the wooden table due to the vibration mode it was in. Puzzled, she reached for the phone and discovered that a text message had been sent to her.

"Sweetheart, please forgive me. I have been wrong. Please call me! I need you... I love you."

Lauren's heart began beating rapidly, while conflicting emotions of anxiety, fear, happiness, and caution warred within her. She put the phone back on the nightstand and got out of bed and quickly walked through the rooms of her condo. She walked back into the bedroom, started to reach for the phone, and spun around on her heel, and again took a quick walk through the condo. She could hardly breathe. Did he mean it? Can he mean it? Can she trust his battle-scarred heart?

Still as a statue, she stood quietly in her living room for a good fifteen minutes. She thought again of the stacked birthday boxes and the lesson behind them. Was she, Lauren, strong enough, brave enough, to trust Horatio's declaration of love? Together, can they begin to unwrap the boxes he kept hidden within?

Coming to a decision, Lauren went back into the bedroom, picked up the phone, and began punching in a number... .

The End

* * *

><p>Thank you to all the kind people who read my story, and especially to those who took the time to comment or put the story on "follow." I greatly appreciate that!<p>

If you enjoyed this story, I sincerely hope you'll look for the sequel to it called "All The Way," which takes up where this story ends. It will be a longer story with elements of romance (similar to this) but also a mystery for Horatio to solve... a mystery that will involve Lauren's position with the Mayor's Office.


End file.
